A Ten Inch Woody

By Andrew Smith

The other day, me'n Kit was sittin' there at lunch; when Kit turns to me all of a sudden, an says, "I reckon you wake up with a woody every mornin', don't you, Max?"

The question took me plumb off-guard, for it was Friday, and I had been thinkin' about buildin' the new stairs for the back porch on Saturday mornin'. Me an' Delila had been arguin' over what size to make the new steps. She wanted wide steps, fourteen inch ones, so she could sit on 'em an' drink her coffee of a summer morning. I wanted to build narrower ones, only eight or ten inches across, 'cause we don't have room for wide steps.

So I just looked at Kit, an' said, "Huh?"

"A woody," said Kit. "You're young enough, I reckon you got ten inches of wood for Delila 'most every mornin', don't you?"

I put down my sandwich. "Well, how'd you know about that, Kit?" I asked.

"I just know," he said, and gave me one a them slit-eyed smiles a his, where he scrunches up his face into one, big, grinnin' wrinkle. "I was your age once."

"I sure enough got ten-inch wood," I said. "But Delila says it ain't big enough. She thinks she needs twelve-inch, or even fourteen-inch wood. I told her she could maybe get by with twelve-inch, if she really wants to cram things in there. But I don't think fourteen would fit in there, nohow. But she won't be happy unless she gets it. That's just the way she's been lately."

"You mean she ain't satisfied with ten inches?!" gasped Kit. "What's she gonna do with twelve or fourteen inches that she can't do with ten?"

"Oh, she wants to sit on it an' eat breakfast," I said.

"Eat breakfast!" exclaimed Kit."Can't that wait? Hasn't she got better things to do when she's ridin' the pony than eat breakfast?"

"Well, that's what she likes to do," I said. "She won't eat at the table. And she reads the paper there too."

"My God," said Kit.

"Yeah," I said. "I, myself, think ten inches is plenty for all that. But she thinks she's got to have fourteen. But she ain't got room for fourteen. Just wait, she'll find out."

"Fourteen?" said Kit. "But Delila seems so small."

"She is small, Kit. The whole set-up is small. What we're talkin' about here is a rear entry situation. There ain't much room to begin with. I know Delila thinks the world of her back porch, but there's nothin' much to look at back there. In fact, it's kinda dirty. So why make a big deal of it? She's gonna have me bendin' things around every which way just to fit everything in. And I don't feel like doin' it."

"I don't blame you!" said Kit. "Well, this certainly puts Delila in a new light. What do you reckon you're gonna do?"

"I dunno" I shrugged. "If'n she keeps naggin' me I'm just gonna go find some other guy, and hire it done. That way I can sleep in, an' she can get whatever size wood she wants."

"Hire it done!" said Kit. "You mean, you'd let some other guy-a perfect stranger-satisfy Delila?"

"If'n that's what it takes," I said. "I got a tape measure and showed her that ten inches was about all she had room for, but she wouldn't listen."

"You mean, you measured it an' everything?!" said Kit. "You mean your big ten inch really is ten inches?! No exaggeratin'? And she still ain't happy?"

"Well," I said. "Ten inch wood is really only nine and three quarters. Anybody knows that."

"Close enough!" exclaimed Kit. "What more can a woman ask for?"

"If'n the woman is Delila, plenty," I said. "Maybe I will just hire it done. It'd save me a lot of effort."

"Well, where you gonna find a guy that's got fourteen inches, Max? You got nine and three quarter inches, measured. There ain't many guys that can do better than that. Most have to make do with less."

"Well, that's just it, Kit," I explained. "I don't think Delila really cares all that much what size wood she gets. She's just arguin' 'cause it's me doin' it. If'n I tell her I'll give her ten inches, she wants twelve; if'n I tell her twelve, she wants fourteen; but if'n it was anybody else she'd be happy with six. That's just the way she is."

"You sure?" said Kit, and he gave me one a them strange, sly looks of his. "You sure, Max? Cause I got six inches. If that's what it takes to make her happy, I'd be glad to do my part. To tell you the truth, I've had my eye on her for a long time. I only got six inches, but it's stout."

"Well, she wants it to be stout" I explained.

"Then I'm your man!" said Kit. "I'll come over after work and give her what she wants."

"Probably could," I said, finishin' my sandwich. "As long as she didn't know it was you. I hate to say it, Kit, but Delila don't think you know what you're doin' most of the time. I bet she thinks you don't even know how to drive a nail. She'd be upset if'n it was you, no matter what size wood you got."

"Don't know how to drive my nail!" Kit sputtered. "Well just give me a chance to show her, Max! I'll put a smile on her face. I will. She ought to at least let me give it a try! And you might learn a thing or two yourself." Then he winked at me.

I agreed I probably could learn a thing or two. Kit ain't a bad carpenter. He built some birdhouses once that was slick as spit. He forgot to put holes in them, so the birds could get in, but other than that they was dandy. Anyway, I hadn't been lookin' forward to buildin' them steps much. If he wanted to help, that would be fine.

"You know, Kit," I said. "You're right. Delila really ought to let you take a crack at 'er. If there was some way to do it so she didn't know it was you till afterwards, I'm sure she'd be satisfied. I just don't know how we'd do it."

"We could blindfold her!" exclaimed Kit. "That'd work."

Kit was gettin' mighty excited about helpin' me finish the porch. But then, he always had wanted to get on Delila's good side. I hated to disappoint him, but I didn't see Delila wearin' no blindfold.

"I don't think she'd go for that, Kit," I said. "Too much like bein' tied up. Besides, she generally wants to watch everything. But maybe we could get her to turn around long enough for you to go to work, while I keep her occupied up front somehow. Then, when you're done, an' she's happy, we'll let her know it was you. I bet she'd see you in a different light then."

Kit squinted at me so hard his eyes plumb disappeared. "Max, you Devil!" he grinned. "You want me to come over tonight?"

"No. We're goin' bowlin' tonight" I said. "Come tomorrow, right after breakfast."

"But won't she be all tuckered out so soon after breakfast?," he asked.

"Oh no," I said. "That's her best time. She is generally rarin' to go then."

"Man," said Kit. "A ten inch woody every morning! I wish I was young again."

And that's how I got Kit to come over and help me finish my porch.

The next day, Saturday, me'n Delila was sittin' in the kitchen havin' our coffee when all the sudden comes this rap-rap-rap at the window. I looked, but there wasn't nothin' there. So I got up an' stuck my head out, an' there's Kit. He had on blue silk pajamas, sunglasses, bedroom slippers and a silk bathrobe. His pajama shirt was undone an' he wore a big gold medallion on his chest. His hair was all slicked back and he smelt like he'd fell into a vat of cologne. He give me two thumbs up and whispered, "Hey sport. Just do it! Huh?! Huh?!"

Delila said, "Who's out there, Max?"

"Oh, it's nothin', Honey," I said. "Just some kids."

"Kit," I whispered. "You still got your pajamas on. You can't do this in your pajamas."

"You think I should get rid of them?" he whispered back.

"Yeah," I said. "We're gonna be drivin' nails all mornin'. Them things 'll just get ripped up."

"I copy that," he said, grinnin'. "I sure copy that. And I am ready to drive my nail, Max! I mean, I am fired up! Well then, I'll just get rid of these pajamas and come around the back door."

"Alright," I said. "Give me a minute to get ready. Man, how you smell!" So I shut the window and went an' got my work duds on. I couldn't figure Kit. Usually he'd do anything to get out of work, but today he was so excited about it he'd forgot to dress himself before he come over. I'd half expected him not to show up at all, but here he was, rarin' to go, first thing in the mornin'. It just didn't seem like him.

And I needed to think of some way to get Delila out of the house before he come back and we started on the porch. I was countin' my money to see if I had enough to give her to shop for a dress or somethin', when I heard the back door open an' close real quiet. I didn't want Delila to find Kit had come to work on the porch, so I run out there. But she already knowed somethin' was up.

"Max, what's that smell?" she asked me. "Do you smell that? It smells like someone is wearin' perfume."

And it did, Kit had poured so much cologne on hisself that it was seepin' through the whole house like a fog, makin' everythin' smell sweet and flowery.

"I don't smell nothin'," I said, though in truth it was beginin' to make my eyes water an' I could tell any minute it was gonna make me sneeze.

"No. Over here, Hon. Smell." And she took a big whiff of air. "Whew! It smells like we got twenty whores standin' on our back porch, Max. That doubleidiot friend of yours, Kit, didn't talk you into storing his whores on our back porch, did he?" She asked, and then laughed.

"No! No!" I said. "It smells like it's coming from out in the livingroom to me."

"No it isn't," she said. "I think it's coming from out back." And she got up, and followin' her nose, she started walkin' out towards the back porch.

"Delila! Don't!" I yelled. If she saw Kit out there she'd never be happy with the porch, no matter what size wood I used on it.

"Don't what?" she asked.

"Don't go out there!" I said. "It's dangerous out there! There's nails an' such. An' besides, I got thirty eight dollars and nineteen cents right here in my pocket for you to go get a new dress with. A real pretty one. I thought I could stay here and do a little work while you went shoppin'. Then, when you come back, we could go out dancin', or to a movie, or somethin'."

"Oh baby, that's so nice," she said. "You're so sweet. I'm gonna buy you the prettiest dress you've ever seen. The only thing that'll look prettier than me in it, is me out of it." And she give me a big, lovin' kiss, and a few minutes later she had skipped out the door to go shoppin'. She forgot all about the perfume. So now my only problem was finishin' the porch and rememberin' to borrow twenty bucks from Kit so me'n Delila could go out later.

As soon as Delila left I went back into the kitchen. "C'mon in Kit!" I yelled. "Let's have some coffee, and then we'll get started." I was makin' a fresh pot of coffee when I heard Kit come in behind me.

"Geeze it's cold out there, Max," he was sayin'. "Geeze it's cold. I was freezin'! Didn't think I'd be able to drive my nail at all in them conditions. Make that coffee hot, Max. I think I'd rather dip my balls in it than drink it right now. I'm freezin'. I thought we was ready to go on this deal. Say, how come you still got your clothes on?"

I turned around then, and there was Kit, standin' butt naked and hairy in my kitchen, not ten feet away.

He looked at me and grinned. "And where's Delila?" he asked. "I reckon she's waitin' in the bedroom, ain't she?!!"

I backed up a step. I wasn't used to seein' anything that smelled as pretty, but looked as ugly, as Kit, with no clothes on, up close, first thing in the mornin'. His gold medallion was hangin' down on his beer belly which was hangin' down to who knows where. His teeth was chipped, he wasn't shaved, an' his hair had come unslicked an' was stickin' up all over the place.

"Uh, no, Kit" I said, tryin' not to look at him no more. "Delila's gone. I was just gonna talk to you about that. I sent her out so you and me could be alone. I figured it would be better if'n it was just the two of us, without Delila hangin' around and tryin' to give instructions. You ain't got no clothes on, Kit. It's no wonder you're cold. But don't you hang your nuts in one a my coffee cups."

Then Kit quit grinnin' and backed away from me a step. "Just you and me?" he asked. "Max, what are you tryin' to say here? Where's Delila?"

"She went to go buy me a dress for tonight," I explained. "Somethin' pretty. You know, real feminine."

"Ought-oh" said Kit. "I never figured you that way, Max."

"Anyway," I said. "I was glad to get rid of her. So it's finally just you an' me, Kit. We got the place to ourselves. We kin do it the way we want."

"No," said Kit.

"Yeah," I said. "No Delila here tellin' me what size wood I got to have. Like you said, six inch sounds fine to me."

"Oh no," said Kit.

"Well, I know it'll all fit in a bunch easier that way," I said. "And that'll make me feel better."

"Oh no," said Kit.

"See, that way we won't have to do any weird cuttin' or anything," I said.

"Oh God," said Kit.

"But we only got a couple hours" I said. "So we're gonna have to get get humpin' on it pretty hard."

"I never figured you this way, Max." said Kit, backin' up a little bit.

"We can get started anytime," I said. "If you feel like you're up to it?"

"No!" said Kit.

"Or maybe you'd rather go lie down for a spell first?" I asked. I didn't know if Kit had converted to nudism all the sudden, or if he'd just plumb gone out of his mind. But I was gettin' worried about him. It wasn't like him to show up at all for work on a Saturday, but showin' up naked for work on a Saturday was plain out of character. "You're more than welcome to lie down if you want, Kit," I said again.

"No!" he said. "No. I don't think so, Max! No! I'm afraid I can't be a part of this!"

I couldn't figure what Kit was jabberin' about. I just looked at him, wonderin' what in the world had got into him. He'd come over here in his pajamas to help me build a porch, but now it sounded like he didn't want to help. Which was beginnin' to look like the best thing to me. Just then the coffee got done. So I changed the subject. "Well, you want cream, don't you?" I asked.

And Kit just plumb took off. He turned around and run right out of my house. Didn't stop for his bathrobe, or pajamas, or nothin'. He run naked all the way back to his house. Well, almost all the way. Just when he was gettin' ready to turn in his driveway a cop got 'im, and arrested him for Expressin' the Public Nudity, or somethin'.

I had to come down there and bail him out that afternoon. It used up my whole checkin' account, so I didn't have enough money to take Delila nowheres. But she looked real pretty in the dress anyway. And like she said, she looked even better without it. So we wasn't too sad.

But I was real worried about Kit. I wanted him to stay with us, at least for the night, but he wouldn't have anything to do with that. In fact, he refused to talk about it. But he's ok now.

I got my porch steps made. I used ten inch wood, like I wanted, but then made the top step wider so Delila could sit on it and drink her coffee of a summer morning. And she said she liked it fine.