Bronco Bob Tackles Life

By Andrew Smith

Like most rugged outdoor types, Bronco Bob loved to get away from it all and retreat to the quiet, windswept solitude of some frozen lake to drill a few hundred holes through the ice with his power auger. Bronco was real proud of that ice auger. "This baby'll turn 9,000 rpm!" he yelled to his buddy, Frank, once, over the high pitched scream of the engine.

"9,000 rpm Frank! Just think of it! It'll go through over two foot of solid ice in a minute and a half!"

He revved the engine again so Frank could admire its awesome ice-drilling power. Frank was just about to yell back that he could hardly believe it really had that much power when, somehow, Bronco let the tip of the auger bump into the couch.

Instantaneously the whole room exploded in one giant cloud of couch fluff, and the auger shot through the couch and the living room wall so fast that it jerked Bronco Bob clean off his feet, and put a hole the size of a bowling ball right through his davenport. They just blamed that one on the beers. "Hell, Mavis" they said. "Ice augers don't kill people. It's people kill people, with ice augers."

Luckily enough, it turned out that Mavis had been hankerin' after a new divan for years, or at least as soon as she saw the hole in the old one. Anyway, that's why when you drive by Bronco's place you can see an old pie pan nailed to the wall, just to the left of the picture window. Bronco always said he was gonna stretch some visquene across that hole and make a window out of it, but he ain't done it yet.

One time, Bronco called Frank up to go ice fishin' with him. Mavis still wasn't letting Bronco sleep in the house yet, after he mistook that box of Jello brand gelatin for toilet cleaner and mixed up near twenty gallons of Cherry Berry Dessert Jello in the upstairs and downstairs commodes. He was cleanin' the toilets as a surprise for Mavis, and apparently it was quite a surprise. Mavis don't eat jello no more. The plumber said it was the most disgustin' thing he'd ever seen.

Anyways, Frank and Bronco and his power auger set out together for Washington Lake to ice fish. Frank brought his fishing stuff along, just in case the drilling went slow, though he had no reason to believe that would be the case.

"You know, Frank" said Bob, as they drove to the lake, "I appreciate Mavis more, now that I'm sleeping out in the shed. Turn left here. Sometimes you have to get away from a person for a little bit to realize how much they mean to you. You know what I mean?"

"Oh yeah, Bronco" Frank replied. "I know what you mean. And I ain't supposed to tell you this, but Mavis called Claire last night and said she appreciated having you stay out in the shed too."

"Well see?" said Bronco. "That's just what I mean. Things'll work out. You mark my words. Left again."

"You sure you remember where this lake is, Bronco?" asked Frank. "We been turnin' left all afternoon. Seems to me we must near be goin' in circles."

"'Course I remember, Frank" said Bronco. "Hell, I damn near discovered this lake. It's right around here somewheres. Left again, right here. Sleepin' in the shed has left me lots of time for thinkin', Frank."

"I'm sorry to hear that Bronco" said Frank. "If I'd a known that I'd a brought you over some beers, and put a stop to it."

"Oh no, Frank. This is thinkin' that had to get done. This is the important kind of thinkin'. You ever wonder what it's all about, Frank?"

"What what's all about, Bronco?"

"Well life, Frank. You ever wonder what life's all about?"

"You feel the need for a twelve pack, Bronco?" asked Frank. "We just passed a place. I can turn around and get you one. I'll get one for me too."

"No. Keep goin'" said Bronco. "There's a store at the lake. Whoa, turn left here. I mean, Frank, don't ya ever stop and wonder about the world around you? Like if air is clear, how come the sky is blue? And what happens after forever? And if there's a top to space?"

"No" said Frank.

"Don't you wonder what happens to the love you have when you're first in love? How could it be so real and then disappear? And how could you get it back?"

"No" said Frank. "What I wonder, Bronco, is what happens to fish farts?"

"No kiddin'?"

"No kiddin'."

"Fish farts? I reckon they just float to the top, Frank."

"Well, that's what I thought too," said Frank. "But if that's so, then the gas would build up under the ice all winter long, and the first guy to drill a hole for fishin' would most likely get knocked dead by the odor. Either that, or the sun shining through the ice would ignite the whole mess, and you'd have lakes blowing up all winter long."

"That's true, Frank" said Bronco. "I never thought of that. It's another one a them mysteries. That's what I'm talkin' about, Frank. Life is full of mysteries."

"Boy, I could really use a beer, Bronco."

"And the biggest mystery of all, Frank," continued Bronco, "is why we're even here at all. I mean, you ever wonder Frank, why you're here?"

"You mean, why I'm here, instead of in Jackson, Illinois?" asked Frank. "Or you mean, why'm I here fishin' with you? Or you mean, why are you sleeping out in a shed, instead of inside with Mavis? Or you just mean, why is anyone here at all?"

"That's right, Frank" said Bronco. "Why is anyone here at all? You ever wonder why there should be stars, and fish, and people, and love that disappears, and heartbreaks, and shopping centers, at all? Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to just have nothin'? You ever wonder about that?"

"Well I reckon just plain old nothing would be kinda boring, Bronco" said Frank. "Don't you think?"

"Yeah" answered Bronco. "But if there was nothin', then there wouldn't be no one there to be bored. So it really wouldn't matter, Frank. Would it?"

"I sure could use that beer, Bronco."

"Well, hey" said Bronco. "Here we are at the lake." He pointed to an empty, ice-covered expanse, surrounded by stores.

"Are you sure this is the place, Bronco?" asked Frank. "I ain't ever seen a lake with a McDonalds right on the shore."

"We're here Frank" said Bronco. "Like you said, we're here so we won't be bored. This is the place! I reckon it is a little more built up since I was here last, but this is it, sure enough. That ice looks like it'll hold us. Drive on out."

"Are you sure this is it, Bronco?" asked Frank again. "That sign right there says, 'Parking lot closed.'"

"Kids, Frank" replied Bronco. "Remember all the silly pranks we used to pull when we was kids? They musta stole that sign from somewhere and left it out here on the lake. That's why we got the place to ourselves. No one else was smart enough to figure it out. I've been here before, Frank. Go on. Drive on out there. I'm ready to fish."

Frank pulled the van out onto the ice. The surface of the lake was slippery, and the van slipped and slid sloppily across the ice.

"Man this ice is slick" said Frank.

"See, right there, Frank" said Bronco. "Another mystery right under our noses. Why is there ice, Frank, and why is it slippery? You ever wonder why ice is slippery, Frank?"

"Oh, I don't have to wonder, Bronco" said Frank. "Heck, we learned that in chemistry class."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Ice is slippery because water molecules are shaped like banana peels."

"I'll be darned" said Bronco. "At last, someone has an answer. Well, where do you want to fish?"

"Over by the McDonalds?" suggested Frank.

"Nah. Them fish over there probably ain't hungry."

"Well then, how 'bout right here?"

"Ok." The van slid to a stop and Frank and Bronco climbed out onto the ice. Bronco grabbed his power auger and began jerking the cord to see if it would start. Frank stomped on the ice a few times to see if it was safe. "It seems solid to me, Bronco" he said. "Is there any fish in here?"

"Oh Hell yes!" said Bronco happily, still jerking the cord of his auger. "Hell yes!, there's fish in here, Frank! One time I caught a nineteen pound channel cat, right in this very spot! And there's bass, Frank. Big 'ol largemouths down there just waitin' to chomp on our line. Get your rig out, Frank, and prepare to catch some fish!"

The auger roared to life and Bronco Bob jumped gleefully up and down on the ice, revving the engine. "We're here 'cause it ain't boring, Frank!" he yelled over the roar of the auger. "We're here to catch fish! We're here 'cause Mavis won't let me inside the house!"

Then, with the engine rapped out to its full 9,000 rpm, Bronco Bob set the bit to the ice and commenced to drill. In less than two seconds flat the borer cut cleanly through the ice and imbedded itself firmly into the hard, frozen asphalt of the parking lot.

Frank heard the scream and looked up to see Bronco Bob spinning madly around the handle of his ice auger at a brisk 9,000 rpms, looking for all the world like a wet dishrag caught on a lawnmower blade. Frank was going to suggest to Bronco that he shut the engine off, when suddenly Bronco let go of the handle and went skipping across the ice like a hockey puck, eventually coming to rest after he slammed into a light pole.

Frank walked over to him. "I knew this wasn't a lake when I seen them light poles on it, Bronco" he said flatly.

"Uhhh" replied Bronco.

"You tired of fishin' yet?" asked Frank.

"I reckon" croaked Bronco.

"Then come on" said Frank, and he offered his friend a hand up. Together they walked slowly over to McDonalds and had a quiet lunch.

Then, they called it a day.